What Would You Do, If You Weren't Afraid?

What would you do, if you weren't afraid?

It's such a loaded question...

I saw this on Tumblr early this morning and it has stuck with me. I've been thinking about it all day and I still don't have my perfect answer...

But, hey... Life is not about perfection right? And not having my perfect answer but still putting this out into the world is actually frightening to me so I guess it kind of goes with the whole theme here.

So... what would I do if I was not afraid?

The simplest answer is what wouldn't I do if I was not afraid? I would do everything to be honest. I would not fear the consequences and I would throw caution to the wind and I would do everything.

I would sing loud and often and always. I would write music and play the guitar and send in demos and make music videos and post them on YouTube. I would play shows and I would be the musician I wish I could be.

I would travel the world, on my own or with friends. I would visit all the places I've read about or seen pictures of or watched movies about. I would go somewhere I don't speak the language and I would meet people and make new friends. It would be epic and it would be amazing and the stories I would have... I can't even imagine.

I would move to a new city or state... *cough cough* Portland, Oregon *cough*. And it would be amazing. New suroundings, new people, new adventures!

I would post take more photos and I would share my photography without fear of judgement.

I would tell the people I love that I love them. All of the people I love. Not just the ones I'm comfortable telling. I would tell everyone that's important to me how important they are to me. I would tell everyone that I love just how much and why I love them.

I would share more things about myself. Things that people might think are weird and could judge me for. I would share without fear of judgement or ridicule... Just thinking about this makes me equal parts itchy and happy... I don't think that will make sense to most people, but there you go.

I would live without fear of consequence. I don't mean that I would do things that had dire or destructive consequences, living without fear is not the same as living without conscience. I would still live within my beliefs and morales. I would not do anything I could not live with and I would not do anything that was damaging or harmful to another person... even someone who I didn't really like very much...

Fear is kind of a bitch.

- E

Phone Free Weekend!

So the other day at work I was talking to a couple co-workers and an idea sparked in my head.

An idea that some say is crazy.

An idea that some say will never work.

The idea is a challenge.

The challenge is 48 hours cell phone free.

And it's a challenge I attempted (and conquered) last weekend. This is my adventure.

Friday evening I was feeling pretty confident though as the midnight deadline I had created for myself was fast approaching I could feel just a hint of anxiety starting to build. For the most part I hadn't shared that I was going "off the grid" with most people in my life, there were however a select few that I knew might worry if they didn't hear from me for two days and I made sure they were in the know.

I had set an alarm on my phone to go off right before midnight and as it started to ring I had second, third, and fourth thoughts about this whole plan, but my determination won out and the phone went off at 12:02AM Saturday morning.

Now to be fair I should let you know that I did still use my iPad and iPod to listen to music, play games, and clean out my email... BUT with the no phone I decided to take a break from social media as well and I'm happy to say I stayed completely out of Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram which I was not sure I could do let me just tell you!

I could go through each day minute by minute and hour by hour, but that seems boring.... at least it does to me, and I don't think you'd actually enjoy reading that. So instead I wanted to tell you just a few things I learned while living "off the grid".

I learned that I am 100% dependent on my phone to know what time it is. I honestly can't remember the last time I owned or wore a watch. There are also no clocks in my living room at all. Knowing what time it is can be ridiculously important when meeting people for dinner or figuring out if you have enough time to watch another episode of Supernatural before going to sleep and waking up hella early. Also... it should be noted that my cell phone is my alarm clock... I had to get creative for my early Sunday morning.

I learned that not living through Social Media and my phone gave me SO MUCH MORE TIME to just be around my friends. Being present with my friends in the moments as they were happening this weekend was so incredible. It gave me the opportunity to have real conversations without the distractions of notifications every 5 seconds.

I learned that not being tied to my phone was freeing. Since getting a cell phone around 15 years ago I can't think of a time I have not had it attached to my person in some way. Now as phones get "smarter" and the internet larger and everyone seems more and more connected to everyone else the attachment has only increased. It's become a life line of sorts, my life is so wrapped up in my phone with email and billpay and health tracking and the calendar and you know... everything!

I learned that I don't need to be connected.

Now with all of these new life lessons, I also learned that I like being connected usually. I like having my finger on the pulse... or whatever you want to call it. I like being able to check my Twitter account and see if my friends or a random person I follow has tweeted out something entertaining. I like to see how my friends are doing based on their Facebook status updates and seeing pictures of their random adventures. It makes me happy that I can send a text message to my friend and get an instant response. That when I'm hundreds of miles away or hundreds of feet away from someone I love, my words don't have to be.

And maybe that's super cheesy, but I don't care. I love cheese :)

So, I'm sure you're all wondering if this is going become a "thing" for me, eh? And honestly, I'm not sure, I certainly like knowing that I can detach if the need every arises. I will also absolutely be more conscious of the time I'm spending on my phone, specifically when I'm with a friend IRL. 

Oh! Before I close this all up, let me just tell you about the ridiculous ego boost that goes along with turning your phone BACK ON after being off for 48 hours! (And yes, it was a full 48 hours I didn't turn it back on until 12:02AM Monday morning.) The notifications were just wonderful and they popped up for a good 3-5 minutes as everything started to connect to the wi-fi. Absolutely wonderful.

Much love.

E

Sleep is Elusive... So I Write

I don't know that I have anything of value to post today but I can't sleep so this is what is going to happen. No sleep for me means random blog post for you and your eyes to read.

I make no promises that this will be coherent or entertaining. Only that it will be.

First of all I feel the need to thank those friends that after my post last week reached out to me. You're all beautiful flowers and I love you.

Now onto the random ramblings of a slightly crazy, sleep deprived person!

Today my world was spinning. Now you're probably thinking to yourself... "Ericka, every single person's world spins! That's what the world does. It spins. Duh! We learn this early in school my friend." And well... You would be right. However today my world was spinning in the this-is-going-to-fast-and-I-don't-want-to-ride-on-this-ride-anymore way. So I did what any sane person would do in the same situation and I sat at my desk and cried for a minute (maybe more than a minute). These are things people do, they let their feelings out, it's not a big deal. Okay?

I'm not going to go into why I was upset, mostly because I don't know... But also because I don't really feel like sharing all the crazy that goes on up in my head. It's mine and you can't have it, so there. You probably have your own shit you're not dealing with, so don't look at me with those judgemental eyes either!

Back to the spinning. I'm not sure when it started and I don't mean to make it sound like I'm hanging on for dear life or anything like that, because let me just tell you it's not that dramatic, but when I start to think about all the things I should be doing compared to the things I'm actually doing the scales begin to tip and the overwhelming feeling of YIKES! starts.

Now I should probably say that I know the expectations that I put on myself are MUCH higher than anyone else could ever put on me... unless you think I should rule the wor-- Actually no, the expectations I put on myself will always be 175% more than anyone else ever could. So the list of "should" is not anywhere close to realistic, and my rational mind knows this. But lets be real. Irrationality is where it's at, bro! 

So bring on the guilt! (Though side note: The guilt trip I lay on myself will be much more than anyone could ever lay on me, so that's a thing.)

So where does this leave things?

Oh, I'm sure I have no idea.

But it does feel better to write about them.

It feels nice to get random thoughts out into the world, so that's what I will continue to do. Maybe you will read them and something will resonate with you and that's cool. Maybe that won't happen, and that's cool too. 

Either way I'll probably keep doing this when sleep is elusive.

Now for something COMPLETELY different. Ed Sheeran's "I See Fire" is probably my favorite thing in the whole world right now. And Jasmine Thompson's cover of it is hauntingly beautiful. You're welcome.

Much Love.

E

Too Much & Not Enough

Sometimes things weigh on our minds and even if you haven't completely formed the thoughts in your head, they need to come out.

This is why I'm writing.

But first I need you to know that I am making my self vulnerable right now, and I can't tell you how much that bothers me. I don't enjoy vulnerability... specifically in myself.

My hope is that this bit of myself is met with loving and non-judgmental eyes and caring hearts.

How is it possible to feel both "too much" and "not enough" at the same time?

I know I am not the only person that has felt these conflicting feelings together... and yet when you're in the thick of it you feel like you are. 

Let's talk about "too much" - I've felt this feel before my friends and it is not a happy place! When you're as loud as I am you get used to people telling you to tone it down, be quiet, use your inside voice, etc. etc. It starts to become a part of you, you're the one that always needs to tone it down a notch. You're the one that is too much for others to handle. And while it starts in one tiny aspect of your life it will slowly seep into every part of you. Soon you second guess your humor, your openness, your kindness, your vulnerability, your intelligence, your everything. Is it all too much? Are you too much? When you walk out of a room do those you've left behind all look at each other with that knowing look, that thank-goodness-she's-gone-look-she's-overwhelming-us-all look?

It doesn't matter if that's a real thing, it becomes real in your mind, and friend the mind is very powerful!

Soon it starts to affect the way you react in social situations. It starts to change you, this feeling of being "too much", and you don't even notice because it's subtle at first. It's sneaky. It creates self doubt and self doubt is a son of a bitch.

It starts affecting your solid friendships and relationships with people. If you don't want to seem overwhelming you start to withdraw and stop sharing.

Don't even get me started on making NEW friends! Anyone you meet when you're in this weird realm of reality, do they even meet you?

Now through all this, what happens when someone starts to chip away at this lie of you being "too much"? What happens when you start to let your guard down and you share the burden?

Well first of all, you apologize. You apologize to your friend more times than you've apologized for anything in your life, because that self doubt, that wall that's been built up saying you're too much to handle, that tiny jerk of a voice inside your head tells you to stop burdening this poor soul with your baggage. So you apologize. And you apologize again and again and again and again. Because even though your friend tells you it's not too much, that you're not too much, it's really hard to believe them.

What a concept?!

And truly, you probably won't believe it the first, oh I don't know, 500 times you hear it. But eventually you'll start to realize that if it was truly too much, there's nothing keeping your friend there. Nothing but the love and care they have and show you.

That's an amazing realization, let me tell you...

Now I'd like to talk about "not enough", the evil step sister of "too much"- While you'd think they should be mutually exclusive and not experienced at the same time, evil step siblings gang up on you and they tear you apart for the pure joy of it. The feeling of "not enough" is all about inadequacies, whether real or imagined and that feel is a destroyer.

"Not enough" is cruel and knows no boundaries. Maybe it starts when you're young and you get picked last for the soccer team at recess, or maybe it starts in high school when you're walking home from school with your friend and she tells you she's better than you at a thing you love. That's the kicker with "not enough", it can start with the smallest comment. Most people would let it slide right off their back, it's a throw away, it wasn't meant like that, it was a joke. I am not most people. I take that shit to heart.

It's a seed of doubt and it roots down deep, it's a weed that grows and becomes more than you ever realized. It's a sneaky bastard as well because you don't even realize that you're cultivating it every time you believe someone who tells you that you are not good enough. And believe them you do, man. Because this comes from people you trust, or at least at some point in your life thought were trustworthy, so you believe them and you believe them and you believe them. It's a slippery slope and when you start down, it's so hard to climb back up.

One day as your struggling on your slippery slope someone will tell you that you're amazing. They will tell you exactly what you need to hear. They will tell you that you are enough, you are more than enough because you are you and that's all you need to be. You will call that person a liar... though probably not to their face. But you won't believe them. So they will tell you again... and again and again and again.

And someday, you will believe them. And that my friends is another realization that just knocks your socks off!

It's intense and it's real and it's raw and you feel exposed and vulnerable and oh man oh man...

So this is where my thoughts have taken me today. This is what needed to come out.

This is my vulnerability.

Much love.

E

10 Things I Hate More Than Snow

In the midst of another snow storm, freezing temperatures, and page upon page of clever complaints and statements on Facebook, I have decided to take a different approach.

Because snow is not the worst thing in the world.

Here are ten things in the world I hate more than snow.

1. Meat - Especially bacon. Don't hate, that just means there is more for you.

2. Scary Movies - Mostly because I'm pretty sure no matter how silly the premise is, it will happen to me. Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds.

3. Clowns - Because they are evil.

4. American Idol - I don't know if I can put into words how much I don't like that show. Though I do like a few of the artists that have been introduced to the world because of it.

5. The Real Housewives... of every region - I don't think this one needs any explanation.

6. A Flooded Basement - If you have ever had 4 inches of standing water in your basement for days upon days, you will understand this. If you haven't consider yourself ridiculously lucky.

7. Flying - Irrational... I know...

8. Paying Bills - Being in debt in general really.

9. Selfish, Uncaring People - I mean really, you're not the only person on the planet!

10. Foot Surgery - If you didn't know I have seven screws in my foot holding my bones together. It's constantly painful. It sucks.

As I finish this list I realize I could continue this list with many more things I hate more than snow like the long hiatus between seasons on the BBC, the fact that I can't spend more time writing, and my lack of travel thus far in my life. This list could take on a life of it's own and turn into a giant bitch session, but then I'm getting way off track.

My point is this.

Yes, the snow sucks.

Yes, this winter is one of the coldest in a while.

Yes, there doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

BUT!

We'll survive. We'll move on. We'll warm up when the Spring comes, and it WILL come sooner than you know, it's not like we live in Westeros or the land beyond the wall where winter lasts for years or forever!

Sending warm thoughts your way!

Much love.

E

Trying New Things: Air Curler

So you may or may not know this about me...

I LOVE INFORMERCIALS!

LOVE THEM!

I also love "As Seen On TV" sections of stores. With this extreme love for infomercials and "As Seen On TV" items I have tried many things. Some have been wonderful and some have sucked. I could give you a list of about 10-15 items I've purchased personally or have been purchased for me and review each one, but that's not what I'm going to do today.

Today I'm just going to tell you about the pleasant surprise I received after trying my newest "As Seen On TV" gadget the Air Curler!

This week I'm on vacation from work and I happened to find myself at Meijer browsing while waiting for a prescription and I happened upon the ASOT aisle and after happily browsing I saw the Air Curler and decided I just needed to try it. I was ridiculously skeptical, but my curiosity got the best of me and I spent the $15.

I've been staring at it for 3 days and today was the day I decided to try it and I LOVE IT!

(Side note: My hair is getting ridiculously long...)

I don't know what I was expecting, but I was definetly NOT expecting this. And this is just the first run! No product, no curling iron. Just this weird looking hair dryer attachment.

The tool is a bit awkward to work with althought that may have just been my first-timer lack of ability. I will do some things differently next time, most importantly I'll dry my hair a bit more before I start the twirling.

Overall though... I'm pretty happy with the outcome. YAY for not wasting $15! XD

Much love.

E

NaNo Freak Out!

And the nervousness sets in...

In approximately 2 weeks I will start writing my novel for National Novel Writing Month, or as it's more commonly known, NaNoWriMo. This will be my second attempt, my first attempt was last year and while I wrote a ridiculous amount of words, 16,250 to be exact. I was quite a bit short of the 50,000 words it takes to win.

I've taken a week of vacation in November for the express purpose of writing my novel.

This year I will win.

I am determined. I am driven. I am adamant. I am saying the same thing in different ways because I am also not sure what I'm going to do.

I have no plot. I have no main character. I have no conflict. I have nothing. Well I suppose that's not completely true... I have panic. I have nerves. I have apprehension. I have cold feet... And I have fear that the entire endeavor will end up an entire flop... like last year...

Darn you over thinking brain!

50,000 words. 1,667 words per day. 

When you break it down it doesn't seem that scary. It truly doesn't... at least to me it doesn't... until I start thinking about my lack of plot, character, crisis, etc.

Where is my inspiration dammit! 

Last year I jumped in, started a story, got stuck, hated it, started a new one, didn't totally feel the new story, get stuck, and finally quit writing when not even half way completed. This year I really wanted to be prepared. Ready. 

So... 2 weeks... I can come up with an outline by then right? A plot? At least a character? Right?

Right?

Oh dear...

Much love.

E