Once upon a time there was a girl who loved to write. With that love came a love to blog which left her feeling connected. Then somehow she lost it.
I didn't just lose my love to write though, I lost something else... the spark that made me, well... me.
Once I lost that I was floating... Floating and falling. Now I'm not afraid to float without purpose for awhile and I'm not afraid to fall. I'm so afraid of landing though. Landing hurts. Also it turns out floating is depressing! If you forget who you are, or you never knew... it eats away...
I don't think that I've gone through some huge change or like rediscovered who I really am. I think what really happened is I stopped being scared of who I was.
There's a notion that starts when you're young and impressionable that if you don't act a certain way, dress a certain way, have certain friends than you fail. You fail at life. When you're young you think that's it. I will never act, look, or dress that certain way. I will never be happy. I don't even deserve happiness.
That is a lie!
That is a lie we are taught and the lie becomes a mantra we speak to ourselves over and over and over. I am not good enough. I do not deserve happiness. I fail.
I am 31 years old and it's taken me a LONG time to finally realize the lies that not only had been fed to me but that I was feeding myself!
Everyone, and I mean everyone deserves happiness. Happiness, acceptance, love. These things are not saved for the select few, they are not saved for the "in crowd".
At any rate, I have thrown away all insecurities, I know who I am and I am damn proud! There were things I didn't like about myself. I'm incredibly unhealthy, I am a know-it-all, I am loud and I don't mean like turn the volume down a little, I mean always at 11 LOUD! Oh and I have an obsessive personality. Some of those things like being unhealthy I've changed. Others like the loudness of me can never be changed it's part of what makes me amazing.
I am eager to start writing again even if no one reads it. I owe this "light bulb moment" to someone whom I have never and probably never will meet, Kristina Horner.
I know it sounds silly that a YouTube Star across the country who is a bit younger than I can have an effect on me. That would have bothered me once upon a time, what others thought I mean. But the way she embraces life is truly inspiring and I owe her much.
Thank you Kristina. Thank you for not being afraid to show who you are and for helping me realize it's OK if I'm different as long as I'm me.
