This is why I'm writing.
But first I need you to know that I am making my self vulnerable right now, and I can't tell you how much that bothers me. I don't enjoy vulnerability... specifically in myself.
My hope is that this bit of myself is met with loving and non-judgmental eyes and caring hearts.
My hope is that this bit of myself is met with loving and non-judgmental eyes and caring hearts.
How is it possible to feel both "too much" and "not enough" at the same time?
I know I am not the only person that has felt these conflicting feelings together... and yet when you're in the thick of it you feel like you are.
Let's talk about "too much" - I've felt this feel before my friends and it is not a happy place! When you're as loud as I am you get used to people telling you to tone it down, be quiet, use your inside voice, etc. etc. It starts to become a part of you, you're the one that always needs to tone it down a notch. You're the one that is too much for others to handle. And while it starts in one tiny aspect of your life it will slowly seep into every part of you. Soon you second guess your humor, your openness, your kindness, your vulnerability, your intelligence, your everything. Is it all too much? Are you too much? When you walk out of a room do those you've left behind all look at each other with that knowing look, that thank-goodness-she's-gone-look-she's-overwhelming-us-all look?
It doesn't matter if that's a real thing, it becomes real in your mind, and friend the mind is very powerful!
Soon it starts to affect the way you react in social situations. It starts to change you, this feeling of being "too much", and you don't even notice because it's subtle at first. It's sneaky. It creates self doubt and self doubt is a son of a bitch.
It starts affecting your solid friendships and relationships with people. If you don't want to seem overwhelming you start to withdraw and stop sharing.
Don't even get me started on making NEW friends! Anyone you meet when you're in this weird realm of reality, do they even meet you?
Now through all this, what happens when someone starts to chip away at this lie of you being "too much"? What happens when you start to let your guard down and you share the burden?
Well first of all, you apologize. You apologize to your friend more times than you've apologized for anything in your life, because that self doubt, that wall that's been built up saying you're too much to handle, that tiny jerk of a voice inside your head tells you to stop burdening this poor soul with your baggage. So you apologize. And you apologize again and again and again and again. Because even though your friend tells you it's not too much, that you're not too much, it's really hard to believe them.
What a concept?!
And truly, you probably won't believe it the first, oh I don't know, 500 times you hear it. But eventually you'll start to realize that if it was truly too much, there's nothing keeping your friend there. Nothing but the love and care they have and show you.
That's an amazing realization, let me tell you...
Now I'd like to talk about "not enough", the evil step sister of "too much"- While you'd think they should be mutually exclusive and not experienced at the same time, evil step siblings gang up on you and they tear you apart for the pure joy of it. The feeling of "not enough" is all about inadequacies, whether real or imagined and that feel is a destroyer.
"Not enough" is cruel and knows no boundaries. Maybe it starts when you're young and you get picked last for the soccer team at recess, or maybe it starts in high school when you're walking home from school with your friend and she tells you she's better than you at a thing you love. That's the kicker with "not enough", it can start with the smallest comment. Most people would let it slide right off their back, it's a throw away, it wasn't meant like that, it was a joke. I am not most people. I take that shit to heart.
It's a seed of doubt and it roots down deep, it's a weed that grows and becomes more than you ever realized. It's a sneaky bastard as well because you don't even realize that you're cultivating it every time you believe someone who tells you that you are not good enough. And believe them you do, man. Because this comes from people you trust, or at least at some point in your life thought were trustworthy, so you believe them and you believe them and you believe them. It's a slippery slope and when you start down, it's so hard to climb back up.
One day as your struggling on your slippery slope someone will tell you that you're amazing. They will tell you exactly what you need to hear. They will tell you that you are enough, you are more than enough because you are you and that's all you need to be. You will call that person a liar... though probably not to their face. But you won't believe them. So they will tell you again... and again and again and again.
And someday, you will believe them. And that my friends is another realization that just knocks your socks off!
It's intense and it's real and it's raw and you feel exposed and vulnerable and oh man oh man...
So this is where my thoughts have taken me today. This is what needed to come out.
This is my vulnerability.
Much love.
E
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